Woo Hoo! Welcome to 2013 everybody! I’m awfully glad the
world didn’t end in 2012! There's all kinds of great stuff happening this year.
We’re starting off with First Impressions and a
submission from Joanne R. Fritz. This is
the first page of her MG contemporary mystery, KEEP AWAY.
Jake never expected to be standing on this
bridge again. Not after what happened last year. The rough cement scraped his
bare feet. He clung to the wire fencing behind him and shivered in his
swimsuit. Luckily for him, the August sun was playing Hide and Seek behind
thick clouds. Maybe he could pretend his goose bumps were from the weather.
Next to him, Flip Farrell balanced on the
narrow ledge as lightly and easily as if he were standing on solid ground. He
didn’t even need to touch the high fence behind them. “Kankowski, are you
nervous?” Flip laughed. “I thought you grew up here. I thought everyone did
this. I figured it was some sort of Pocono Mountains rite of passage.”
Jake shook his head. Half the time when Flip
talked Jake didn’t understand him. “If my parents knew we were jumping off the
Ledgedale Bridge, I’d be grounded for life.”
Flip shrugged. “Aw, who cares about
parents?”
Far below the two boys, the choppy water of
Lake Wallenpaupack looked almost black. Murky. It made Jake think of horror
movies, of drowning and death and pale limp bodies. No. Not that. A
strong breeze carried the high-pitched whine of boat motors and the bitter
fumes of their exhaust. He swallowed hard. The three cinnamon rolls he had
wolfed down for breakfast were threatening to come back up. He choked back the
acid taste and wondered why he’d said yes to Flip’s idea.
A guy’s thirteenth summer was supposed
to be more fun than this.
A car rattled over the bridge behind them and
a deep voice yelled, “Go for it!” Jake shuddered but didn’t release his tight
grip on the wire. His palms were starting to hurt.
Flip laughed softly. “You’re chicken, aren’t
you? Come on, Rock, Paper, Scissors. Loser jumps first.”
Yay! The Pocono Mountains! I love the Poconos – set two
novels and two short stories there, in fact. I can vividly picture this
setting: the bridge over the lake and the chill air when the sun goes behind
the clouds. I think you’ve given us the
exact right amount of setting description for a MG opening page.
I don’t have much to critique. It’s very
well done! Hide and seek should not be capitalized, I think. And “wondered why
he’d said yes to Flip’s idea” seems a little weak of a phrase, considering
what they’re about to do and how scared Jake is. I think you could come up with
a stronger way to put that. Especially if something bad happened here last
year.
As for the car that passes behind them and the driver who calls
out, “Go for it!” – TOTALLY believable in the Poconos. It should be a pickup
truck, though, LOL!
I wish I had more to suggest, but I really like this the way it
is. Do my readers have any suggestions?
Thanks, Joanne, for sharing your page with us! Please visit Joanne at
her blog My Brain on Books, and don’t forget to check out Marcy’s critique of
the same page.
17 comments:
Joanne, I agree with Dianne--this is an excellent opener. I can't think of a thing to add to Dianne's suggestions. It's already polished, and darned engaging. :)
Joanne, this is fantastic. I have nothing to add. I think it's great! Wonderful job!
WTG, Joanne! Great start. :) My only suggestion has to do with Flip Farrel's name. I think I would change his last name, so it doesn't start with the same first letter.
Great job Joanne!!
This IS very good. The only suggestion I might make is to break up that first paragraph.
"Jake never expected to be standing on this bridge again. Not after what happened last year." feels disconnected from the rest, and would work well as its own separate paragraph, I think.
I like how it's so sensory in the opening paragraphs.
Yay, I finally get to read some of your writing, Joanne. <3 it. Wouldn't change a thing. Excellent work.
Good Job! :)
Dang! I want to read some more. I loved what I took as a subtle hint about what had happened the summer before with the "...pale limp bodies. No. Not that."
This is great stuff. But I do agree with changing the car to a pick up truck. Perfect for the Poconos.
Thanks so much, everyone, especially Dianne! I've been a nervous wreck since December. Dianne, I wondered about capitalizing Hide and Seek, just because it's a well-known game. My first draft didn't capitalize it. And you're right: the sentence about wondering why he'd said yes is weak. I'll work on it. Sharon Mayhew, good point about the alliteration of Flip's name.
One of my beta readers has suggested NOT mentioning anything about pale, limp bodies yet, because it makes it too obvious. But none of you have talked about that. So now I'm not sure what to do!
Oh, and I thought a pick-up truck might be too much of a cliche, but I'd be happy to change it!
I think this is GREAT--kept me riveted! *waves to Dianne and Joanne*
Hey, this is GREAT! I love the whole fear--I could totally feel it. And Flip being all egging him on, and the "drowned bodies" flash totally has me wanting to know what THAT'S about!
Great work, Joanne! My first impression is ROCK ON!!! :o) <3
Like I said elsewhere, this was a pretty clean read for me. Excellent work, Joanne! :)
Thanks, everyone!
Forgot to thank Matt MacNish for an excellent suggestion. I might just do that!
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